Life Purpose- Your Soul Story

I talked a little bit about finding our life purpose. Though we discussed the bigger reason for our life here on this physical realm, which is to evolve the soul, what does that really mean? Ok, so we learn to love deeper, we use our gifts to contribute to the "collective", and blah, blah, blah, but on a more personal level, it still doesn't answer the remaining questions, "who am I?" "Where did I come from?" "Why don't I feel like I am from here?".  There are still so many unanswered questions, it like trying take a bunch of puzzle pieces and piecing them together in order to see the whole picture.

When I spoke about the soul as our own personal akashic records, what I mean is that our soul holds ALL the information about our own souls. Our souls have traveled throughout it's existence and each soul holds a story, your story. When we reenter the physical realm, we often "forget" our soul's memories and it seems like we start from scratch all over again. Throughout our journey in each lifetime, half of the journey is remembering. Yes, we often come for our own reasons and yes we are to expand upon the knowledge we have already gained, but what makes it so hard to do is not remembering our story to begin with. Our passions, our interests, the things that draw us to things are often the things that we have already experienced and trigger the memories of the soul. We often experience things such as deja'vu's or may have a knowing feeling without actually having a real understanding of what we know. We feel more connected to certain people, places or situations but we don't know why. We just know that it feels familiar or we recognize something but not really sure what it is about it that we connect with. So what does all of this mean? These moments are often memories trying to surface into the consciousness. These are the triggers the soul needs in order to remember who we are, not as human beings but as soul beings.

I think we all agree that the soul is infinite. It's spiritual or non-corporeal in nature, so if the soul is not physical, wouldn't that mean it is possible that it's creation would begin in a non-physical place? We often talk about our souls as being human, but what makes the soul human? First, you have to define, what makes a human...human? The only real thing that makes one entity human and another not is being housed in a physical body and being able to experience a type of life that revolves around a more physical state of being. But this state is temporary, and when our physical lives end, then we return back into a non-corporeal state. This is why alot of spiritual people repeat the saying " I'm not a human having a spiritual experience, I am a spiritual being having a human experience." So, where were we before we became corporeal? And were do we go afterwards? Most people believe we go back to a spiritual state and end up in some type of spiritual realm. We are taught that the spiritual realm only consists of two places, heaven and hell. But so many people seem to have so many different views on what these places are like, so if there were only one, wouldn't everyone have the same experience or memories of what these places are like? You would think they would but they don't, so that would mean there has to be more then just one heaven and one hell otherwise the experiences would be identical. This concept seems to be limited to particular religions,which often bound by theories,experiences and memories of one particular person, but even in these religions, there are souls that experience something very different. Each experience is different for each soul.

I worked for a time in Nursing and have been around dying people. I have seen some people who made peace with death long before they die and there are some that will fight to the bitter end. Some experience a bright light, other's see family and friends, some smell fresh baked breads, and other see shadows. Some see nothing but a bright light, some see beautiful mountains and green lush grass with rivers and streams, some see Jesus and some see something completely different. As a Medium, I have seen spirits in the shadows, see them burning in some hell dimension, some wandering in complete darkness and others just remain here. Some notice you, some do not. When people astral project, they see worlds and realms that others may not see, and other may have seen the same place. Edgar Cayce, one of the most famous Clairvoyants ever written about described doctors,master's and guru's from the future that didn't sound like they were here on this planet. When I was 12, I started playing a "game", not really a game, that the players were required to astral project to the 7 gates of hell (and I can attest that there were definitely more then 7) and to fight the demons before they ascended upon the earth and created the next apocalypse. What I saw was many different places. Some of the most beautiful places I have ever seen happened to be in hell! I not once saw any type of fire and brimestone. Instead, I saw beautiful crystal blue lakes (which you didn;t want to touch because the water was acid...eeeekkkk), beautiful forests. One realm was nothing but dense fog and you couldn't see anything at all! Is it imagination? The scratches and bruises I woke up with on a daily basis suggested otherwise! The point, is that all over the world and through out history,mankind has had visions of things that are beyond this realm. These experiences, these visions may have been some crazy story to the outsider, but to the person who experiences it, it's very real!  And so many other people believe in this because they have experienced similar things as well. There is an inherent knowing within that there is more to this life or world then just what we can physically see or experience because our soul experiences so much more.  We are not completely bound to this physical realm which, at it's basic level, we ALL know, which is why there are so many different experiences and so much belief, in at least to the fact that there is more out there. Even scientists are discovering this.

The point is that once we are able to shed some of the corporeal boundaries that the physical realm places upon us, we are able to accept that there is more then what we can see with our physical eyes which opens us up to the possibilities that other spiritual realms exist. And once we start discovering this side of our souls, then we are able to accept the information our souls have hidden within. It;s usually when we are seeking answers to the experiences we have that are not on the physical realm or can't be explained on a physical level, is when we start seeking the answers the soul holds within. The physical realm often blinds us from the truth that we are often seeking. Our minds have a difficult time accepting what it cannot understand logically because the conscious is programmed to make logical sense on a more physical level. Most people, however, are able to bypass this through the sub-conscious level, which is a temporary storage unit for anything that requires thoughts, to include memories. This "in-between" place doesn't look for logic in the physical realm, it just houses any type of information and allows you to process it however you choose. It's the medium that helps us access the information of the soul and helps us accept that information, especially memories.

Emotions also helps us access the memories of the soul. We could see something that would be considered fantasy but it stirs up an intense emotional reaction within. At the moment, it may not make sense, but often it's these emotions that will trigger memories or visions that may not seem real in the physical realm, but the experience is so intense, you know it to be true because you already know it. You've seen this before or you've done that before, though, in this lifetime, you know you didn't. It's these emotional triggers that push us to gain more information. Sometimes it becomes an obsession because you NEED to know, and though you don't know why at the moment, you just know it's important for you. This urgency starts leading you to start asking questions. What am I feeling? Why am I feeling this after seeing this? I know this, but how do I know this? This pain is so intense, and I KNOW this pain, but why, I've never had this happen before! For some, it's the extreme emotional responses that will make people run to the hills and maybe not want to know or understand more. But if your on a particular journey to find something specific, then this trigger is often the key to unlock the door to the information you are seeking, and if you avoid it, it will come up again.

The human experience is simply that, an experience. The corporeal experience is designed to help us gain a deeper understanding of what is already hidden within the soul, to discover and understand new things and to take what is in spirit and make it into a physical form. The physical realm is not designed to be eternally "set in stone". The universe is ever changing and so is the physical realm. It has to move and these physical changes help it move, helps the physical realm grow and also evolve. But it needs us to build it, to take what is in thought form and make it physical. God may have created the earth in 6 days, but it was corporeal beings that created the buildings, the beautiful structures, to up-keeping and maintenance of the physical world. The world is an eccletic physical showcase of the many different cultures that left the realm of spirit and entered into the realm of physical. The souls that arrived from the beginning of time until even now, each brought with them different ideas with them in order to "manifest" or create a reflection of what was already within. These ideas,just like on earth, were inspired by other souls. It's the taking of one idea, sharing it and then someone else either expanding upon the first idea,tweaking the original idea or using that idea to come up with something else  that is completely different. When you look at the history of mankind, many of the cultures and beliefs are similar, but some races of people brought with them completely different ideas and build very different creations. The Myans would be a good example of this. Do we often look at the Myans coming from the same heaven as Jesus? If they did, why are the concepts and ideas so different? This leads me to believe that there is more then only one spiritual realm, more then one society of souls, and more then one way souls have existed before the creation of the earth.

It's also this type of rational that allows my mind to accept the possibility that I'm not from the earth itself. That perhaps, my soul journey, our soul journey may go far beyond the limitlessness of earth, and one heaven and one hell. This possibility of traveling through the many different realms is no longer an over-active imagination but through being in a spiritual state of being, makes these memories very possibly true. It's this simple knowledge that our souls are not bound, but infinite, that allows us to accept the memories and knowledge that we have collected since the beginning of our journey of existence. The memories no longer seem so far fetched, because our minds are finally able to understand and accept the truth of those memories. And when the pieces start coming together, it all makes perfect sense. You realize that this knowledge isn't just reserved for guru's, but we are all destined to seek this knowledge. These our own personal records, a journal of our travels through the universe, not just of this world, and this journal not only allows us to see where we were, but shows us where we are now and where we need to go from here.

Acceptance of truth within you is your first step into understanding your soul's journey. Your soul holds the story of your existence,the journal of your travels, and the map that guides you to your next destination. If you can accept the truth the soul reveals to you, you will be able to answer the questions that brought you this far already. The journey of the soul is the journey of truth, your truth, your story. Some stories will come with a  happy ending, but it's through the trials that helps us learn and grow and it's often these memories that tend to surface. Be prepared to relive some of those memories, but as you begin to remember more, you will have a greater understanding of the importance of it. It will show you where you were and how you evolved into who you are now. As you begin to remember, you will also remember the reason you came here. You will begin to shed some light on some of your life themes, the things you are passionate about and greater understanding of....you! The most beautiful story that has ever been written in within you! 

What We Are

This was a response to another EC, but it seemed to help clarify some things. 

Not really sure.  All I know is that my first memory was when I was 5 and at my mother's church. That's when a male spirit came to me. There was a cemetery in the back of the church, though, looking hindsight, I'm beginning to think that  was the vision he was showing me of his funeral. Simply because my mother and cemetery's don't mix,lol. It was so natural to try and cross him over, but feeling everything he showed me, on top of the hellfire and brimestone sermon later that morning. Well, I don't think it opened me up to the higher spirit realm,with the knowledge of heaven and Angels, God,   I think it opened me up to the earthly and lower realms of the spirit realms. Not the place of light, but the place of shadows. That's what triggered the constant revolving door of lost  souls, shadows and demons. Shorty after that encounter, we had a plane crash behind our apartment complex. That night, my closet was filled with shadow people, they kept staring at me, like they were waiting for me. Scared the heck out of me. Then more shadows, and the fear. All this started me on my journey and I have been on this course since.
It makes sense though. I can give some messages from crossed over spirits, and though I often see, them, they are not as solid. I don't see them, feel them, or hear them as clearly. If they are earthbound or lost, I get it all and its sooo clear. It's always been like that. It's why I don't have much of a connection with crossed over spirits, because they are already in the light, they don't really need me, but the earthbound and especially the lost souls, they are void of light.  They literally live in their own private hell, a hell I wish to save them from, even since that day. Sorry, I know I'm rambling, but I think I'm realizing something right now There's times where I wish I could do readings, mediumship readings, for clients, but I don't for the very reason I stated above. Sometimes they will come across and I can get the message, but they don't come across as clear. I always knew it had to do with what I was connected to. I was a beacon, a light to those who had none, and my desire was to save them. I just figured that was my job, since I understood their shadows so well, I would always be a part of the shadow, and I don't think that will change. I used to run from it, and I times I still do, but I have also learned to find comfort in it. I know what keeps them there. I understand their fear of the light. I understand what it's like to want something, but not really sure if I'm ready or worthy enough to embrace the greater things meant for me I've lost the desire to help them, the urgency, it's like to long in the shadows, you become immune to it. Yet, they don't stop coming. They really like it when I open my circle, lot's of light. In  fact, I did a solitary ceremony with my husband to help him connect with his recently departed Aunt before she crossed over. After a time spend, she was ready to go, but the room also filled up with other lost souls who wanted to go as well. I closed it before I could let them go through because it wasn't protected and I didn't want to ruin a sacred moment for my husband. It's funny, I should have done it, because that night, I actually crossed them over in my dream,lol. There was alot of them! I don't think it's really not wanting to help them, it's the aftermath. I work really hard to keep things cleansed, but the rest of the "lower realms" seem to be my problem child. It's like a life long episode of Charmed and being attacked every week! It's the battle that has made me weary,yet they still keep coming. I've accepted that this is my "destined duty" but it'd definitely not as enchanting as Ghost Whisperer. When you live most of your life among the dead, you start to feel dead and year for the things that make you feel alive again. When you walk among the shadows for so long, it's so hard to keep the light shining and bright. Yet, here's the kicker, it's that light that chases away the shadows! Now that I have the time to embrace "my destiny", I'm not sure I have the will or strength to do it anymore. Always a paradox. But through all of this rambling, I always figured that if we were destined to do something, we would always have the passion, the fire, the thing inside that keeps us doing what we are doing. Maybe that's not the case. Maybe the abnormal becomes so normal that it becomes mundane. Like any job, I guess. I've been talking alot about this with my husband lately. "Embracing the calling", but I told him to expect all hell to break loose, more then what it has been. But it's funny, because, just as strongly as they have shown their side, so have the Angels intervened just as strong.

I think I lost my reason. There was a specific purpose in doing what I did and it was fulfilling, but living in this world, I seem to have lost the purpose of it all. I've always been like that, passion goes hand in hand with action which is ALWAYS stemmed by the purpose behind it. If I loose the purpose, it's hard for me to stay focused. I ask myself, "why?" " why am I doing this?". The answer is always the same " to help". But that answer doesn't seem to be enough. "Why do I want to help them?" It  used to be so they wouldn't have to suffer the pain. But now that I have healed the majority of my pain, it's difficult for me to have the desire to connect with theirs. I've disconnected without actually considering the consequences for that soul. I guess I figure that since people make their own choices anyway's, that they are going to do as they wish and it's a waste of time. But, there is a reason why there is this huge war in the spiritual realm. There is a reason why each sides fights so hard to preserve what is left or take what is left. The pendulum has shifted and it's not in the favor of the light. People,humans have become selfish, jaded, apathetic. The fight seems almost moot. Evolution will come one way or the other, but it's usually through these trials that define us. As individuals, we might have a chance, but as a collective whole, evolution is a slow and painful process. I don't understand the need for lightworker's. The collective seems to have chosen greed, lust, and pride over anything else. I can't help but to feel that as kids, we failed. The one time when so much spiritual energy filled this planet and the dark has taken control. 500 years ago wasn't the dark ages, we are in the dark ages now. It's heartbreaking watching the demise of this world. We fight for them, we grieve them, but as children, they don't see or understand what is happening. Nor do they seem to want to. The pain of all the others who came here to fight, we all grieve because I think we all know. We know what is in store. And when we leave, the darkness will only get darker. And maybe that is the purpose. The seeds we plant now, aren't for now, but for later. When people reach that point of darkness within, there is nothing left but to seek that light. Without that light, darkness will remain. Little glowing embers left behind used to guide the path of those who seek it. I think I'm beginning to see a clearer picture. Myself, as a gatekeeper, bring in energy here, release energy there, in hopes to evolve saplings to maturity one day. There was one thing left at the bottom of pandora's box, and that was hope. That is what we are.

Life Themes

As I continue down the magickal path of self discover, I find that I have spent most of my life governed by obligation and duty so it would be safe to assume that my life purpose or my career would reflect this. However, I have seen to have lost the magic in life, have lost the purpose of it. I have searched my entire life and am always finding answers to the crazy stuff that has happened to me and though I now understand what I am. I have yet to discover who I am.  I wear so many hats and on many levels there are boundaries to my exsistance or what I am capable of doing, yet I feel stuck, trapped. I am told to choose one thing, but I can't seem to choose just one thing. One day I am a minister, another day I am a writer, and another day I am just a goofball wanting nothing more then to let go of the responsibilities and just be free.  It's difficult to build a career with a personanlity like mine. I'm in a stage in my life where I am no longer really seeking answers for all the questions I once held are now answered. Now I am plagued with a new set of questions, but the questions I seek now are not on paper, can't be explained by a web-site but can only be answered solely through spirit.
I have gained alot of knowledge but have lost the instinct within. The darkness no longer scares me and the light, I no longer crave. My intense fear of the darkness is what drove me to seek you in the first place. Fear drove me to hope.  Hope drove me to shed light on the demons that once haunted me and now I know how to keep them at bay, so the need for hope or seeking the light is no longer there because I have no discovered the balance between the two. You would think that it would cause peace but I know I am moving into yet a new phase. On one hand, I feel like I have gone backwards, because the things I desired before knoweldge is what I now seek. It's like my life is going full circle. I seek knowledge at the price of faith and now I must go back and find faith without knowledge. I have learned so much and it has given me understanding and understanding my ultimate life purpose, but I miss the days when I knew nothing, yet understood everything.
I have stated this many times, my entire life is one gigantic paradox. For many people, there destiny is easily mapped out, but for me, it changes decade to decade, season to season. I have evolved and devolved all in the same decade and it has made me lost.
So, maybe I just need to take another trip down memory lane. Going decade by decade.
First decade of life (0-10)- When I was young I had many experiences with ghosts and spirits. They were lost,earthbound or lower realm and always scared me to death. There was also religion and the conflict between the religion I was raised in and my medium ship. Though consciously I didn't quite get the whole religion thing, I always associated God with death since church was the place I tried to cross my first spirit over. This was the decade where gifts were strong yet uncontrolled. This was also the decade where fear ran like wildfire. It consumed me the most. This was when the light was consumed by the shadows.
Second decade (11-19) for the first half of this decade was solely about finding my inner stregnth. This is the time I stood up against my mother's control, I stood up against the shadows that haunted me and this was the first time I had insight into the bigger picture. This was the time where my warrior spirit came out and I was able to tap into the other worlds. This was the spiritual training ground for where my abilites and spiritual belief system would evolve later on in life.
The second half of the decade was more about being grounded to this world and searching for twin flame. This was also the time where survival and creativity became a huge theme. I had a baby to take care of and love and building a family became more important then the fulfillment of my magickal life purpose.
Third decade- (20-30) In the beginning of this decade was about love and spiritual connection. I was very grounded to the earth and trying to be apart of those around me. It was about relationships and career. Early during this time I married. The theme for the rest of the decade was about building a family/career and endurance, which endurance was needed for this relationship. This was the emptiest spiritual time in my life. I literally felt Gods hand lift off of me and never returned until the relationship ended. This was also the time for building stregnth and gaining a clear vision on the relationship I was seeking. By not getting what I desired, I learned what I truly needed in a romantic relationship. Career options were optional and though career was desired, family took priority.

Fourth decade-(30-40) This was the time of change where one chapter in love ended and a new began.It was also a time of hightened spirituality. The beginning of the decade was a time for closure and stregnth as this is when I left my ex-husband. This was a time where I relied solely on gut feelings,instinct and blind faith to take care of myself and my three children. Stregnth and seeking answers was the theme of the beginning of this decade.   This was the time where I reinvented my spirituality and began everything new. A couple of years later is when the chapter of love also renewed. The theme for the rest of the years was solely on seeking spirituality, understanding and embracing my spiritual abilities and learning to love again. My life reflected this search as we moved from place to place. As I sought my spiritual path, overcame my spiritual fears and ended the battle with the fears and of the shadows, this was a time for spiritual and emotional growth for both spirit and love. This is when my spiritual abilites, at least the psychic part of my abilities were at it's highest.  Towards the end of the decade was once again themed as a time of stregnth and love and my spirituality was once again replaced by duty and responsibility. Unfortunetly, career was not a theme as the doors never seemed to open for an actual career, but jobs were given as a means of survival. This also began another dark time. For love, it was a time of earthly trial that led to a deeper emotional connection in love. This time solidified and stregnthened the love relationship. This was also themed one of relationships with renewed connection to extended family. So, towards the end the theme was once again about love and relationships. Though, spiritually I have felt lost, this is also the time where other abilites were at it's highest, such as healing, astral projection and weather control, which helped me remember the bigger picture and my spiritual place on this planet.

Fifth decade- This decade began with hightened abilities but emotionally unavailable. It has all been about duty and providing for the family. It has been all about protecting the family, stregnth,endurance and duty. The burden that has been layed on my shoulders is heavy as I am also called to fulfill my spiritual duties and not really being able to balance anything. It's been a dark time. The past 7 months has been a theme of waiting,resting and healing. This past month has been themed the ending of things. The end to past earthly things that needed finishing. I call it the "death" stage and this is the first time I have seen it so blatant. I know it is meant for more stregnth and the new beginnings as promised, but this stage has been so dark and it's hard to see beyond that darkness. In a sense it is beginning to be a time of spirituality, but everything seems to be standing still, including spirituality. All doors are closed and does not even seem to be a time for inner growth. It feels to be a time of waiting. Because the old things are closing, I have to assume that the new phase of new beginnings will be starting soon. My fear though, is that time will repeat itself and the last several months will have been in vain. I'm not really sure where this road will lead. But the theme seems to be stillness.

From what I have seen the themes that seem to come up over and over again is stregnth, love/family and spirituality. I'm beginning to realize that career is not a priority on my list, yet connection to spirit, family and instinct is. I work to survive, not to live. I have a desire to support my family and give them so many things, but I work on a deeper level. It's more important for me to be with them then it is to be gone and giving them a bunch of fancy things. Though I keep thinking of a career, the reality is, career doesn't seem to be a part of my life purpose. I always knew I had the potential to be whatever I wanted to be, but working ridiculously long hours and never having time to live, there is nothing in this world monetarily that would want me to sacrifice the precious time I do have with them. It doesn't seem worth the time because the other spiritual things I do to help this planet, is far more important. Sure, I could really use the money, but wealth doesn't seem to a priority in my life theme. However, the finances do fall on me so if going back to school or having some fancy career isn't part of my destiny, then there has to be something in this area that is. Lately I have been writing...alot. There is alot of knoweldge to be shared, yet I have no desire to share everything I do to the world. I know who I am and working behind the scenes also seems to be a part of my genetic make-up. But I used to write alot of childrens stories. I have a story I written many,many years ago that I would love to publish. I also have other ideas of future stories that I would like to write, but this takes time I'm not really sure I have. Work takes up alot of time and the rest of my time is with my family. I'm not really sure why fate threw this curve ball in or how I am expected to do everything I am supposed to do when I have to spend so much time away to make money to survive. Survival for my family has always been top priority and I don't forsee that ever changing. We have to live, after all. Though I am still a bit stuck, I at least know why I didn't go back to school and where the inner conflict of having a good paying career comes from. I do think it may be time to start my book though.

   Fast forward to 2017. When I was writing this, I was accurate about it being a time of closure or the "death" phase. In early 2016, it began a new chapter of new beginnings. Due to changes in our financial situation, we were able to buy a home. This also started a new beginning for career, but not mine. This obligation has changed hands and I am now able to focus on more of the spiritual things.

Conversations with God

Dear God,
I don't understand. I just don't get it.

God: where do you feel me?
Me: In the clouds, in the wind, in the earth, the sun that rises from behind the mountains. In the storm clouds and the energy of the sky and earth.
God: so why do you not seek me there?
Me: Because I'm to busy seeking something else, I guess. It's hard to visualize you as these things. I have placed you up above in heaven somewhere looking down at the earth.
God: Am I not God? Am I not contained?
Me: I guess you are when I contain you in the image I have set you in.
God: Am I not in the moon?
Me: Yes, though I have tried to see you there, it didn't work to well.
God: You see me as a human. You see me with a body, like you, but invincible.
Me: Yes.
God:What about the birds that guide you?
Me: I see them as your messengers.
God:You see me one place,
Me:but I feel you from time to time on the earth.
God: What is it that you desire?
Me: I'm not sure. Not this. Not feeling like I failed once again. Not being able to connect to anything. Not feeling stuck. No feeling hope and then everything crashing down once again.
God: You know there is something around you.
Me: Yes, I know
God: yet you o nothing to change it. you allow it to consume you. it's literally sucking the life out of you. Why do you allow it to do that>
Me: I don't know. That's the problem. It's like my soul has given up. I want good things, but I can't seem to pull myself out of this, whatever it is that I am.
God: You need healing and not a one time fix. It won't do. If you desire what you say you desire, do it each night for 7 nights. Bask in the pools, the healing pools of avalon and allow your soul to rejoice in the moment. The healing you need is soul healing and it goes beyond what you have known before. Do this for 7 nights straight. Do not falter. If you do this, things will begin to change and opportunites will open up for you. Do you trust me?
Me: Yes.
God:The wounds you have inflicted over the years have never fully been washed away. You need healing of the soul. Trust in me and trust in this process. Belief is 2/3 of the battle.
Do I feel far away now?
Me: No, actually you feel quite close at the moment. Your voice is clear.
God: Why do you think that is?
Me: Because I desire it. Also because I am blocking everything else out at the moment and I am believing in what I hear.
God: I think your ready now :)
Me: Thank you
God: Anytime!

Another Change Your Life Experiment

Ok, so I typed in “what do I want to do with my life” in the yahoo search engine and found about 50 billion sites on how to ask myself 50 billion questions that I don't know how to answer. Quite frankly, this is the entire reason why I started searching to begin with, because I DON'T KNOW!. I finally clicked on a web-site from page 10 because I was tired of searching. So this lady claims this one 20 minute test changed her life, so I said, What the hell. It's either spend 20 minutes doing what she say's or 20 minutes sifting through more pages,either way I have nothing to loose. So here's the deal. I am supposed to time myself 20 minutes to write down a 100 things I want to do. Boy I hope I can type that fast. Then I am supposed to wait 24 hours and then go back to my list and see what things on there are actually doable. My guess is that 80% of my list will never be looked at again,but she banked her life on it, so I will to. Ok, so here we go.....

Open a metaphysical shop

want to travel inside and outside of the country

want to work a non traditional job that pays a lot for only part time work

I want a cockatoo

Crap, my brain froze, tick tock!

I want to write a book

I want to teach metaphysics

I want to help people

I want to travel to Germany

I want to see the 7 wonders of the world

I want to live in the trees

and near the ocean

I want time to just enjoy life

I want to spend time in the tide pools

I want to have a deeper spirituality

I want to be happy

I want to feel fulfilled

I want to escape

But I don't

I want to learn to can and make my own fruit

I want to live without a lot of financial pressure

I want to cook different things just because

I want the money so I can afford to cook the yummy things

Tick..tock it's already been 8 minutes and I haven't even gotten to 20

I want to live my life without fear or worry

I want the energy of a 25 year old

I want to learn to fire dance

I want to be able to council people or give readings on my own time

I want to write

I want to stay up late and watch the lunar eclipse

I want to stay up all night and watch the metor showers

I want time to just live life and enjoy the world

I want to feel excited again

I want to have more bon fires and music

I want more nights of fun activites with the kids

I want the money to do fun things with my family

I want to live a slower life

I want my mind to shut up

I want my fears to go away

15 minutes...5 to go...eeeekkkk!

I want to feel again

I want to not feel fear anymore

I want to stop talking myself out of everything

I want to believe what I tell myself

I want my stregnth back again

I want my roadblocks that are in my way to just disappear

I want to feel my angels near, all the time

I want God to walk with me

I want my husbands back to stop hurting all the time

I want to feel grounded

I want to save the world

I want to live the life I see in my visions

I want to teach others and to share without fear

I want to stop getting so mentally blocked I can't think

I want to stop the cycle of self sabotage

I want to stop being so afraid

I want to feel the energy around me and become one with it

I want to feel the light again...all the time

I want to know I can do whatever I set my heart to

I want to stop wondering and start knowing again.

Times up and I made it to 52. I can't say the insight I obtained was actually figuring out what I want to do with my life, but I did discover that I am not as greedy as I thought I was when I first started. In fact, the more I started writing, the more deeper within I started to go and realized that the things I desire most is not physical,it's emotional and spiritual. And it's not what direction I want to go in life, it's getting rid of the things that are preventing me from living my life. This wasn't a waste of time,however, because I did gain some insight into myself. I also don't feel like a failure for not getting to a hundred, in fact, I would rather have fifty something things that matter, things that I can work on, then a hundred things of absolute non-sense that I will never read or really care about again.

It's funny, because the way that it was going, I couldn't but to feel this was more like a spell. Me telling myself what I really needed to know, and in time, I guess this could be life changing to. It's like peeling away the layers of an onion. We often start on the surface and slowly work our way to the core of who we are. This is where the key is. There are a lot of cool things that run through our heads, but inspiration and passion aren't always enough. In my case, my blocks are so strong that I can't even reach passion or inspiration because the fear is to strong. The mental,emotional and spiritual blocks that I have created won't let me see the potential in really anything. As I read through the beginning of this list, I felt like some lazy and greedy person who's only looking to be left alone and wanting a free ride so I can do whatever I want to,but as I delve deeper within, I discovered, this isn't the case because the reason I want this is because of the need to be alone and just take a mental and emotional siesta. There is pain and the further I go down the list, the more pain I discover. So now, I am stuck with a list of not things I want to do, but things I need to clear away so I can write the list on things I want to do.

I think my only saving grace in this entire experiment is the knowledge of knowing my how strong my desire is to draw closer to my Divine, and that brings me hope.

Blessed

I felt you today. I can't describe the feeling I felt, but from time to time it has been a reminder that there you are here and with me. That feeling always comes and goes so quickly, like a deja vu. Today it reminded me when I felt you in San Diego many, many years ago, which always brings me back to the first time I felt you, the day when I was 7or 8 and I left Oregon. I didn't really know what it was,I just know that...I knew. One moment of time, a very short moment to glimpe the feeling of, I'm not even sure, something greater then this world. I have no doubt you set it up this way for me as a compass in my life.

I'm being feeling lately a mix of emotions. Alot of people talk alot about ego, I'm not sure it's ego, but moreso thinking way to much. I have been wanting to simply stop thinking and just do. To be guided without analyzing. To know without doubt. This is how I have spent most of my life and when I started discovering who I am and what these "abilites" are, I seemed to have lost my way. I have forgotten who I am, why I am here, but most of all I have forgotten how to know I can and not worry about how I can't. You have never left me and in triumph and failure, you carried me. It's these beautiful one second moments where I remember everything and nothing all at once. I'm reminded that I am a spiritual being not just mortal. I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of being afraid. It was simple in that moment because that feeling is so strong.

I'm getting closer and closer to the day that my life changes, but I think I'm trying to hard, thinking to much. It's good to plan but I think I'm supposed to remember to trust. I could stay in that state forever and be happy. It's intoxicating. What a way to soften any hardened heart. This is my path, I know it with my entire being. I can't fail because it's exactly where I am supposed to be.

I remember now. It's like the veil of heaven and earth. Isn't that what seperates heaven and earth, simply a veil. Heaven and earth are joined which allows God and his creation to connect. It's what allows the Angels to fly freely here and to help us. Imagine for one brief moment having a glimpse of heaven and feeling it here. Some far away place being right here. There really is something greater, some dimension that is here and not here all at the same time.

I know this sounds insane, but I felt you, I felt heaven and I have felt it from time to time my entire life. I know that when I am truely seeking you, is when I feel it the most. Not when I'm thinking, or asking, and when my life is great or has gone to hell, it doesn't come when I consciously seek, it just comes out of nowhere when I don't have a thought in my head. Today it was when I was driving and I wasn't thinking about anything, and there you were. Same in Oregon when I was young and leaving the state. Same in San Diego when I was walking home from work and looked to the sky.

Damn, this is one humbling moment because I remember that feeling and it touches the deepest and darkest part of my soul. It's so humbling. In this place, pride does not exsist. There is no pain. There is no doubt. It's a feeling and no feeling. It's knowing and not quite sure what you know just something beautiful, and something great. This is my gift, my light straight from God himself to me. I'm meant to remember. I asked to be opened because after my last job, it killed my soul and I became hard. But as an Empath, it's to difficult to feel only pain, i will drown, and I don't think I'm meant to. My power doesn't come from within, it's come from above, it always has. If every person could feel what I felt for just one moment, this world would be.

It's humbeling because I had no idea how much apathy I have been feeling. How selfish I really have become. This moment has tore down the walls I have raised and what exactly what I needed. You always seem to know what we need and it always seems to come at exactly the right moment. The pendulum is finally balanced once again.

I know where this started. I know exactly when it started. I didn't want to feel the way I did, but I couldn't help it. I get it now. We can't exsist on our own. We were not created to exsist on our own. We need each other, we need love, we need understanding, and we need to be reminded of who we are, but more important we need to remember we are not alone. We need to remember where we came from, that there is something greater out there and we are a part of that. We are part of this earth, but the breath of light is spirit and that spirit didn't come from here, it came from the most beautiful place out there.

The veil is wide open right now and I remember it all now. I feel the power and I remember who I am. I remember how powerful I am and I remember where that power comes from, it comes from you. I see you smiling at me. You don't feel so far away now. All the pain, everything I have been going through doesn't seem to matter, and not because I don't care in a hopeless way, it's because it doesn't matter because I can clearly see the road ahead and it's a beautiful road. The old just fell away and I am so excited about the new. I'm almost in tears right now because I finally get it! Because you touched my heart in a way that can't be explained and I feel so humbled and honored to be able to have the gifts I have and to be able to share them with everyone. Thank you so much. I hope I never get that lost again.

From the Ashes

I was reading the news on yahoo, something I have been doing alot lately, and almost everything on there is so negative. So I decided to hide away in my web-site, something us cancer's do often, and this mystical energy came over me, and I realized something. As I was looking at the picture of the woman over looking the water  and mountains, and I felt that pull once again. You know that feeling, like something just grabs you and you know that this is where you belong. This space that I created with my own energy, my own desire, my own blood, sweat and tears, the place is where I belong because I created it. I created it with love, dedication and imagination and I weaved it with mystical energy. I realized how grounded and peaceful I feel in this realm. I used to spend alot of time in this realm, so much so that the things around me would just fade away. In this realm I was happy. In this realm I am able to tap into what I can't in the normal physical realm, and this is hope, peace and knowledge.
It's like stepping out of a realm of sadness and dispair to a realm that is so clear. In this realm all things are possible. I can feel everything, but most important, this is where I have found my soul. Everything, is so clear. And this is what I wanted to bring to the world.
I want to show that there is more then just what we see day to day. That mystical energy is so alive today. I just forgot how much of a part of my life it was and how I walked away from it. When I started on this journey, I wanted to know what that feeling was that I felt as a child. I knew something more, but I wanted to know what it was, so I studiesdand researched. I broke everything down so I could understand it. But then I needed to know where my life fit into the mix. It's obviously something greater then myself, but what made my life so important? Everything is connected and on one hand I felt privileged to be a part of it. Yet, there was something inside that felt that since it was so great and so ancient,  what I was able to bring to it couldn't possibly mean much if anything. I mean, how many other Mediums are out there that work with the lost souls? How many other psychics can connect with the Angels and give messages? How many can project and manipulate energy for a greater cause? What makes me so special? My answer...nothing. So my journey began my downward spiral. It's all borrowed power and I needed to know where my power ended and theirs began. It's been lonely, confusing and dark. I feel like I have been lost for years. Searching, seeking  answers. At some point I no longer cared about where or what it was, I just wanted it back. From time to time, I would feel the pull and though I wanted it, I didn't know how to get back what I once lost it.
I always used to say it's connection, and it is connection, but the connection I once had was a constant flow. I was part of this realm, but not really in this realm. I was able to tap into it without even thinking about it. There was no spending 10 minutes to raise the energy, it was there at my disposal. Today I realized that it's not theirs and mine, I am this energy and this energy is me. There is no separation, we are one. I am one with everything I do, everything I connect with. There is no separation between this realm and that if I choose to embrace both. Which is how it is meant to be. I know where I am at in this life, in this earthly realm is not where I am supposed to be. My husband also knows this to. In fact, he see's it more clearly then I do.
I used to dream. Today I feel those dreams beginning to awaken from deep within.  I not only know where I am supposed to be, but more important, I feel it.