Another Change Your Life Experiment

Ok, so I typed in “what do I want to do with my life” in the yahoo search engine and found about 50 billion sites on how to ask myself 50 billion questions that I don't know how to answer. Quite frankly, this is the entire reason why I started searching to begin with, because I DON'T KNOW!. I finally clicked on a web-site from page 10 because I was tired of searching. So this lady claims this one 20 minute test changed her life, so I said, What the hell. It's either spend 20 minutes doing what she say's or 20 minutes sifting through more pages,either way I have nothing to loose. So here's the deal. I am supposed to time myself 20 minutes to write down a 100 things I want to do. Boy I hope I can type that fast. Then I am supposed to wait 24 hours and then go back to my list and see what things on there are actually doable. My guess is that 80% of my list will never be looked at again,but she banked her life on it, so I will to. Ok, so here we go.....

Open a metaphysical shop

want to travel inside and outside of the country

want to work a non traditional job that pays a lot for only part time work

I want a cockatoo

Crap, my brain froze, tick tock!

I want to write a book

I want to teach metaphysics

I want to help people

I want to travel to Germany

I want to see the 7 wonders of the world

I want to live in the trees

and near the ocean

I want time to just enjoy life

I want to spend time in the tide pools

I want to have a deeper spirituality

I want to be happy

I want to feel fulfilled

I want to escape

But I don't

I want to learn to can and make my own fruit

I want to live without a lot of financial pressure

I want to cook different things just because

I want the money so I can afford to cook the yummy things

Tick..tock it's already been 8 minutes and I haven't even gotten to 20

I want to live my life without fear or worry

I want the energy of a 25 year old

I want to learn to fire dance

I want to be able to council people or give readings on my own time

I want to write

I want to stay up late and watch the lunar eclipse

I want to stay up all night and watch the metor showers

I want time to just live life and enjoy the world

I want to feel excited again

I want to have more bon fires and music

I want more nights of fun activites with the kids

I want the money to do fun things with my family

I want to live a slower life

I want my mind to shut up

I want my fears to go away

15 minutes...5 to go...eeeekkkk!

I want to feel again

I want to not feel fear anymore

I want to stop talking myself out of everything

I want to believe what I tell myself

I want my stregnth back again

I want my roadblocks that are in my way to just disappear

I want to feel my angels near, all the time

I want God to walk with me

I want my husbands back to stop hurting all the time

I want to feel grounded

I want to save the world

I want to live the life I see in my visions

I want to teach others and to share without fear

I want to stop getting so mentally blocked I can't think

I want to stop the cycle of self sabotage

I want to stop being so afraid

I want to feel the energy around me and become one with it

I want to feel the light again...all the time

I want to know I can do whatever I set my heart to

I want to stop wondering and start knowing again.

Times up and I made it to 52. I can't say the insight I obtained was actually figuring out what I want to do with my life, but I did discover that I am not as greedy as I thought I was when I first started. In fact, the more I started writing, the more deeper within I started to go and realized that the things I desire most is not physical,it's emotional and spiritual. And it's not what direction I want to go in life, it's getting rid of the things that are preventing me from living my life. This wasn't a waste of time,however, because I did gain some insight into myself. I also don't feel like a failure for not getting to a hundred, in fact, I would rather have fifty something things that matter, things that I can work on, then a hundred things of absolute non-sense that I will never read or really care about again.

It's funny, because the way that it was going, I couldn't but to feel this was more like a spell. Me telling myself what I really needed to know, and in time, I guess this could be life changing to. It's like peeling away the layers of an onion. We often start on the surface and slowly work our way to the core of who we are. This is where the key is. There are a lot of cool things that run through our heads, but inspiration and passion aren't always enough. In my case, my blocks are so strong that I can't even reach passion or inspiration because the fear is to strong. The mental,emotional and spiritual blocks that I have created won't let me see the potential in really anything. As I read through the beginning of this list, I felt like some lazy and greedy person who's only looking to be left alone and wanting a free ride so I can do whatever I want to,but as I delve deeper within, I discovered, this isn't the case because the reason I want this is because of the need to be alone and just take a mental and emotional siesta. There is pain and the further I go down the list, the more pain I discover. So now, I am stuck with a list of not things I want to do, but things I need to clear away so I can write the list on things I want to do.

I think my only saving grace in this entire experiment is the knowledge of knowing my how strong my desire is to draw closer to my Divine, and that brings me hope.