This was a response to another EC, but it seemed to help clarify some things.
Not really sure. All I know is that my first memory was when I was 5 and at my mother's church. That's when a male spirit came to me. There was a cemetery in the back of the church, though, looking hindsight, I'm beginning to think that was the vision he was showing me of his funeral. Simply because my mother and cemetery's don't mix,lol. It was so natural to try and cross him over, but feeling everything he showed me, on top of the hellfire and brimestone sermon later that morning. Well, I don't think it opened me up to the higher spirit realm,with the knowledge of heaven and Angels, God, I think it opened me up to the earthly and lower realms of the spirit realms. Not the place of light, but the place of shadows. That's what triggered the constant revolving door of lost souls, shadows and demons. Shorty after that encounter, we had a plane crash behind our apartment complex. That night, my closet was filled with shadow people, they kept staring at me, like they were waiting for me. Scared the heck out of me. Then more shadows, and the fear. All this started me on my journey and I have been on this course since.
It makes sense though. I can give some messages from crossed over spirits, and though I often see, them, they are not as solid. I don't see them, feel them, or hear them as clearly. If they are earthbound or lost, I get it all and its sooo clear. It's always been like that. It's why I don't have much of a connection with crossed over spirits, because they are already in the light, they don't really need me, but the earthbound and especially the lost souls, they are void of light. They literally live in their own private hell, a hell I wish to save them from, even since that day. Sorry, I know I'm rambling, but I think I'm realizing something right now
There's times where I wish I could do readings, mediumship readings,
for clients, but I don't for the very reason I stated above. Sometimes
they will come across and I can get the message, but they don't come
across as clear. I always knew it had to do with what I was connected
to. I was a beacon, a light to those who had none, and my desire was to
save them. I just figured that was my job, since I understood their
shadows so well, I would always be a part of the shadow, and I don't
think that will change. I used to run from it, and I times I still do,
but I have also learned to find comfort in it. I know what keeps them
there. I understand their fear of the light. I understand what it's like
to want something, but not really sure if I'm ready or worthy enough to
embrace the greater things meant for me
I've lost the desire to help them, the urgency, it's like to long in
the shadows, you become immune to it. Yet, they don't stop coming. They
really like it when I open my circle, lot's of light. In fact, I did a
solitary ceremony with my husband to help him connect with his recently
departed Aunt before she crossed over. After a time spend, she was ready
to go, but the room also filled up with other lost souls who wanted to
go as well. I closed it before I could let them go through because it
wasn't protected and I didn't want to ruin a sacred moment for my
husband. It's funny, I should have done it, because that night, I
actually crossed them over in my dream,lol. There was alot of them! I
don't think it's really not wanting to help them, it's the aftermath. I
work really hard to keep things cleansed, but the rest of the "lower
realms" seem to be my problem child. It's like a life long episode of
Charmed and being attacked every week! It's the battle that has made me
weary,yet they still keep coming. I've accepted that this is my
"destined duty" but it'd definitely not as enchanting as Ghost
Whisperer. When you live most of your life among the dead, you start to
feel dead and year for the things that make you feel alive again. When
you walk among the shadows for so long, it's so hard to keep the light
shining and bright. Yet, here's the kicker, it's that light that chases
away the shadows! Now that I have the time to embrace "my destiny", I'm
not sure I have the will or strength to do it anymore. Always a paradox.
But through all of this rambling, I always figured that if we were
destined to do something, we would always have the passion, the fire,
the thing inside that keeps us doing what we are doing. Maybe that's not
the case. Maybe the abnormal becomes so normal that it becomes mundane.
Like any job, I guess.
I've been talking alot about this with my husband lately. "Embracing
the calling", but I told him to expect all hell to break loose, more
then what it has been. But it's funny, because, just as strongly as they
have shown their side, so have the Angels intervened just as strong.
I think I lost my reason. There was a specific purpose in doing what I did and it was fulfilling, but living in this world, I seem to have lost the purpose of it all. I've always been like that, passion goes hand in hand with action which is ALWAYS stemmed by the purpose behind it. If I loose the purpose, it's hard for me to stay focused. I ask myself, "why?" " why am I doing this?". The answer is always the same " to help". But that answer doesn't seem to be enough. "Why do I want to help them?" It used to be so they wouldn't have to suffer the pain. But now that I have healed the majority of my pain, it's difficult for me to have the desire to connect with theirs. I've disconnected without actually considering the consequences for that soul. I guess I figure that since people make their own choices anyway's, that they are going to do as they wish and it's a waste of time. But, there is a reason why there is this huge war in the spiritual realm. There is a reason why each sides fights so hard to preserve what is left or take what is left. The pendulum has shifted and it's not in the favor of the light. People,humans have become selfish, jaded, apathetic. The fight seems almost moot. Evolution will come one way or the other, but it's usually through these trials that define us. As individuals, we might have a chance, but as a collective whole, evolution is a slow and painful process. I don't understand the need for lightworker's. The collective seems to have chosen greed, lust, and pride over anything else. I can't help but to feel that as kids, we failed. The one time when so much spiritual energy filled this planet and the dark has taken control. 500 years ago wasn't the dark ages, we are in the dark ages now. It's heartbreaking watching the demise of this world. We fight for them, we grieve them, but as children, they don't see or understand what is happening. Nor do they seem to want to. The pain of all the others who came here to fight, we all grieve because I think we all know. We know what is in store. And when we leave, the darkness will only get darker. And maybe that is the purpose. The seeds we plant now, aren't for now, but for later. When people reach that point of darkness within, there is nothing left but to seek that light. Without that light, darkness will remain. Little glowing embers left behind used to guide the path of those who seek it. I think I'm beginning to see a clearer picture. Myself, as a gatekeeper, bring in energy here, release energy there, in hopes to evolve saplings to maturity one day. There was one thing left at the bottom of pandora's box, and that was hope. That is what we are.
Not really sure. All I know is that my first memory was when I was 5 and at my mother's church. That's when a male spirit came to me. There was a cemetery in the back of the church, though, looking hindsight, I'm beginning to think that was the vision he was showing me of his funeral. Simply because my mother and cemetery's don't mix,lol. It was so natural to try and cross him over, but feeling everything he showed me, on top of the hellfire and brimestone sermon later that morning. Well, I don't think it opened me up to the higher spirit realm,with the knowledge of heaven and Angels, God, I think it opened me up to the earthly and lower realms of the spirit realms. Not the place of light, but the place of shadows. That's what triggered the constant revolving door of lost souls, shadows and demons. Shorty after that encounter, we had a plane crash behind our apartment complex. That night, my closet was filled with shadow people, they kept staring at me, like they were waiting for me. Scared the heck out of me. Then more shadows, and the fear. All this started me on my journey and I have been on this course since.
It makes sense though. I can give some messages from crossed over spirits, and though I often see, them, they are not as solid. I don't see them, feel them, or hear them as clearly. If they are earthbound or lost, I get it all and its sooo clear. It's always been like that. It's why I don't have much of a connection with crossed over spirits, because they are already in the light, they don't really need me, but the earthbound and especially the lost souls, they are void of light. They literally live in their own private hell, a hell I wish to save them from, even since that day. Sorry, I know I'm rambling, but I think I'm realizing something right now
There's times where I wish I could do readings, mediumship readings,
for clients, but I don't for the very reason I stated above. Sometimes
they will come across and I can get the message, but they don't come
across as clear. I always knew it had to do with what I was connected
to. I was a beacon, a light to those who had none, and my desire was to
save them. I just figured that was my job, since I understood their
shadows so well, I would always be a part of the shadow, and I don't
think that will change. I used to run from it, and I times I still do,
but I have also learned to find comfort in it. I know what keeps them
there. I understand their fear of the light. I understand what it's like
to want something, but not really sure if I'm ready or worthy enough to
embrace the greater things meant for me
I've lost the desire to help them, the urgency, it's like to long in
the shadows, you become immune to it. Yet, they don't stop coming. They
really like it when I open my circle, lot's of light. In fact, I did a
solitary ceremony with my husband to help him connect with his recently
departed Aunt before she crossed over. After a time spend, she was ready
to go, but the room also filled up with other lost souls who wanted to
go as well. I closed it before I could let them go through because it
wasn't protected and I didn't want to ruin a sacred moment for my
husband. It's funny, I should have done it, because that night, I
actually crossed them over in my dream,lol. There was alot of them! I
don't think it's really not wanting to help them, it's the aftermath. I
work really hard to keep things cleansed, but the rest of the "lower
realms" seem to be my problem child. It's like a life long episode of
Charmed and being attacked every week! It's the battle that has made me
weary,yet they still keep coming. I've accepted that this is my
"destined duty" but it'd definitely not as enchanting as Ghost
Whisperer. When you live most of your life among the dead, you start to
feel dead and year for the things that make you feel alive again. When
you walk among the shadows for so long, it's so hard to keep the light
shining and bright. Yet, here's the kicker, it's that light that chases
away the shadows! Now that I have the time to embrace "my destiny", I'm
not sure I have the will or strength to do it anymore. Always a paradox.
But through all of this rambling, I always figured that if we were
destined to do something, we would always have the passion, the fire,
the thing inside that keeps us doing what we are doing. Maybe that's not
the case. Maybe the abnormal becomes so normal that it becomes mundane.
Like any job, I guess.
I've been talking alot about this with my husband lately. "Embracing
the calling", but I told him to expect all hell to break loose, more
then what it has been. But it's funny, because, just as strongly as they
have shown their side, so have the Angels intervened just as strong.I think I lost my reason. There was a specific purpose in doing what I did and it was fulfilling, but living in this world, I seem to have lost the purpose of it all. I've always been like that, passion goes hand in hand with action which is ALWAYS stemmed by the purpose behind it. If I loose the purpose, it's hard for me to stay focused. I ask myself, "why?" " why am I doing this?". The answer is always the same " to help". But that answer doesn't seem to be enough. "Why do I want to help them?" It used to be so they wouldn't have to suffer the pain. But now that I have healed the majority of my pain, it's difficult for me to have the desire to connect with theirs. I've disconnected without actually considering the consequences for that soul. I guess I figure that since people make their own choices anyway's, that they are going to do as they wish and it's a waste of time. But, there is a reason why there is this huge war in the spiritual realm. There is a reason why each sides fights so hard to preserve what is left or take what is left. The pendulum has shifted and it's not in the favor of the light. People,humans have become selfish, jaded, apathetic. The fight seems almost moot. Evolution will come one way or the other, but it's usually through these trials that define us. As individuals, we might have a chance, but as a collective whole, evolution is a slow and painful process. I don't understand the need for lightworker's. The collective seems to have chosen greed, lust, and pride over anything else. I can't help but to feel that as kids, we failed. The one time when so much spiritual energy filled this planet and the dark has taken control. 500 years ago wasn't the dark ages, we are in the dark ages now. It's heartbreaking watching the demise of this world. We fight for them, we grieve them, but as children, they don't see or understand what is happening. Nor do they seem to want to. The pain of all the others who came here to fight, we all grieve because I think we all know. We know what is in store. And when we leave, the darkness will only get darker. And maybe that is the purpose. The seeds we plant now, aren't for now, but for later. When people reach that point of darkness within, there is nothing left but to seek that light. Without that light, darkness will remain. Little glowing embers left behind used to guide the path of those who seek it. I think I'm beginning to see a clearer picture. Myself, as a gatekeeper, bring in energy here, release energy there, in hopes to evolve saplings to maturity one day. There was one thing left at the bottom of pandora's box, and that was hope. That is what we are.
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