As I continue down the magickal path of self discover, I find that I have spent most of my life governed by obligation and duty so it would be safe to assume that my life purpose or my career would reflect this. However, I have seen to have lost the magic in life, have lost the purpose of it. I have searched my entire life and am always finding answers to the crazy stuff that has happened to me and though I now understand what I am. I have yet to discover who I am. I wear so many hats and on many levels there are boundaries to my exsistance or what I am capable of doing, yet I feel stuck, trapped. I am told to choose one thing, but I can't seem to choose just one thing. One day I am a minister, another day I am a writer, and another day I am just a goofball wanting nothing more then to let go of the responsibilities and just be free. It's difficult to build a career with a personanlity like mine. I'm in a stage in my life where I am no longer really seeking answers for all the questions I once held are now answered. Now I am plagued with a new set of questions, but the questions I seek now are not on paper, can't be explained by a web-site but can only be answered solely through spirit.
I have gained alot of knowledge but have lost the instinct within. The darkness no longer scares me and the light, I no longer crave. My intense fear of the darkness is what drove me to seek you in the first place. Fear drove me to hope. Hope drove me to shed light on the demons that once haunted me and now I know how to keep them at bay, so the need for hope or seeking the light is no longer there because I have no discovered the balance between the two. You would think that it would cause peace but I know I am moving into yet a new phase. On one hand, I feel like I have gone backwards, because the things I desired before knoweldge is what I now seek. It's like my life is going full circle. I seek knowledge at the price of faith and now I must go back and find faith without knowledge. I have learned so much and it has given me understanding and understanding my ultimate life purpose, but I miss the days when I knew nothing, yet understood everything.
I have stated this many times, my entire life is one gigantic paradox. For many people, there destiny is easily mapped out, but for me, it changes decade to decade, season to season. I have evolved and devolved all in the same decade and it has made me lost.
So, maybe I just need to take another trip down memory lane. Going decade by decade.
First decade of life (0-10)- When I was young I had many experiences with ghosts and spirits. They were lost,earthbound or lower realm and always scared me to death. There was also religion and the conflict between the religion I was raised in and my medium ship. Though consciously I didn't quite get the whole religion thing, I always associated God with death since church was the place I tried to cross my first spirit over. This was the decade where gifts were strong yet uncontrolled. This was also the decade where fear ran like wildfire. It consumed me the most. This was when the light was consumed by the shadows.
Second decade (11-19) for the first half of this decade was solely about finding my inner stregnth. This is the time I stood up against my mother's control, I stood up against the shadows that haunted me and this was the first time I had insight into the bigger picture. This was the time where my warrior spirit came out and I was able to tap into the other worlds. This was the spiritual training ground for where my abilites and spiritual belief system would evolve later on in life.
The second half of the decade was more about being grounded to this world and searching for twin flame. This was also the time where survival and creativity became a huge theme. I had a baby to take care of and love and building a family became more important then the fulfillment of my magickal life purpose.
Third decade- (20-30) In the beginning of this decade was about love and spiritual connection. I was very grounded to the earth and trying to be apart of those around me. It was about relationships and career. Early during this time I married. The theme for the rest of the decade was about building a family/career and endurance, which endurance was needed for this relationship. This was the emptiest spiritual time in my life. I literally felt Gods hand lift off of me and never returned until the relationship ended. This was also the time for building stregnth and gaining a clear vision on the relationship I was seeking. By not getting what I desired, I learned what I truly needed in a romantic relationship. Career options were optional and though career was desired, family took priority.
Fourth decade-(30-40) This was the time of change where one chapter in love ended and a new began.It was also a time of hightened spirituality. The beginning of the decade was a time for closure and stregnth as this is when I left my ex-husband. This was a time where I relied solely on gut feelings,instinct and blind faith to take care of myself and my three children. Stregnth and seeking answers was the theme of the beginning of this decade. This was the time where I reinvented my spirituality and began everything new. A couple of years later is when the chapter of love also renewed. The theme for the rest of the years was solely on seeking spirituality, understanding and embracing my spiritual abilities and learning to love again. My life reflected this search as we moved from place to place. As I sought my spiritual path, overcame my spiritual fears and ended the battle with the fears and of the shadows, this was a time for spiritual and emotional growth for both spirit and love. This is when my spiritual abilites, at least the psychic part of my abilities were at it's highest. Towards the end of the decade was once again themed as a time of stregnth and love and my spirituality was once again replaced by duty and responsibility. Unfortunetly, career was not a theme as the doors never seemed to open for an actual career, but jobs were given as a means of survival. This also began another dark time. For love, it was a time of earthly trial that led to a deeper emotional connection in love. This time solidified and stregnthened the love relationship. This was also themed one of relationships with renewed connection to extended family. So, towards the end the theme was once again about love and relationships. Though, spiritually I have felt lost, this is also the time where other abilites were at it's highest, such as healing, astral projection and weather control, which helped me remember the bigger picture and my spiritual place on this planet.
Fifth decade- This decade began with hightened abilities but emotionally unavailable. It has all been about duty and providing for the family. It has been all about protecting the family, stregnth,endurance and duty. The burden that has been layed on my shoulders is heavy as I am also called to fulfill my spiritual duties and not really being able to balance anything. It's been a dark time. The past 7 months has been a theme of waiting,resting and healing. This past month has been themed the ending of things. The end to past earthly things that needed finishing. I call it the "death" stage and this is the first time I have seen it so blatant. I know it is meant for more stregnth and the new beginnings as promised, but this stage has been so dark and it's hard to see beyond that darkness. In a sense it is beginning to be a time of spirituality, but everything seems to be standing still, including spirituality. All doors are closed and does not even seem to be a time for inner growth. It feels to be a time of waiting. Because the old things are closing, I have to assume that the new phase of new beginnings will be starting soon. My fear though, is that time will repeat itself and the last several months will have been in vain. I'm not really sure where this road will lead. But the theme seems to be stillness.
From what I have seen the themes that seem to come up over and over again is stregnth, love/family and spirituality. I'm beginning to realize that career is not a priority on my list, yet connection to spirit, family and instinct is. I work to survive, not to live. I have a desire to support my family and give them so many things, but I work on a deeper level. It's more important for me to be with them then it is to be gone and giving them a bunch of fancy things. Though I keep thinking of a career, the reality is, career doesn't seem to be a part of my life purpose. I always knew I had the potential to be whatever I wanted to be, but working ridiculously long hours and never having time to live, there is nothing in this world monetarily that would want me to sacrifice the precious time I do have with them. It doesn't seem worth the time because the other spiritual things I do to help this planet, is far more important. Sure, I could really use the money, but wealth doesn't seem to a priority in my life theme. However, the finances do fall on me so if going back to school or having some fancy career isn't part of my destiny, then there has to be something in this area that is. Lately I have been writing...alot. There is alot of knoweldge to be shared, yet I have no desire to share everything I do to the world. I know who I am and working behind the scenes also seems to be a part of my genetic make-up. But I used to write alot of childrens stories. I have a story I written many,many years ago that I would love to publish. I also have other ideas of future stories that I would like to write, but this takes time I'm not really sure I have. Work takes up alot of time and the rest of my time is with my family. I'm not really sure why fate threw this curve ball in or how I am expected to do everything I am supposed to do when I have to spend so much time away to make money to survive. Survival for my family has always been top priority and I don't forsee that ever changing. We have to live, after all. Though I am still a bit stuck, I at least know why I didn't go back to school and where the inner conflict of having a good paying career comes from. I do think it may be time to start my book though.
Fast forward to 2017. When I was writing this, I was accurate about it being a time of closure or the "death" phase. In early 2016, it began a new chapter of new beginnings. Due to changes in our financial situation, we were able to buy a home. This also started a new beginning for career, but not mine. This obligation has changed hands and I am now able to focus on more of the spiritual things.
I have gained alot of knowledge but have lost the instinct within. The darkness no longer scares me and the light, I no longer crave. My intense fear of the darkness is what drove me to seek you in the first place. Fear drove me to hope. Hope drove me to shed light on the demons that once haunted me and now I know how to keep them at bay, so the need for hope or seeking the light is no longer there because I have no discovered the balance between the two. You would think that it would cause peace but I know I am moving into yet a new phase. On one hand, I feel like I have gone backwards, because the things I desired before knoweldge is what I now seek. It's like my life is going full circle. I seek knowledge at the price of faith and now I must go back and find faith without knowledge. I have learned so much and it has given me understanding and understanding my ultimate life purpose, but I miss the days when I knew nothing, yet understood everything.
I have stated this many times, my entire life is one gigantic paradox. For many people, there destiny is easily mapped out, but for me, it changes decade to decade, season to season. I have evolved and devolved all in the same decade and it has made me lost.
So, maybe I just need to take another trip down memory lane. Going decade by decade.
First decade of life (0-10)- When I was young I had many experiences with ghosts and spirits. They were lost,earthbound or lower realm and always scared me to death. There was also religion and the conflict between the religion I was raised in and my medium ship. Though consciously I didn't quite get the whole religion thing, I always associated God with death since church was the place I tried to cross my first spirit over. This was the decade where gifts were strong yet uncontrolled. This was also the decade where fear ran like wildfire. It consumed me the most. This was when the light was consumed by the shadows.
Second decade (11-19) for the first half of this decade was solely about finding my inner stregnth. This is the time I stood up against my mother's control, I stood up against the shadows that haunted me and this was the first time I had insight into the bigger picture. This was the time where my warrior spirit came out and I was able to tap into the other worlds. This was the spiritual training ground for where my abilites and spiritual belief system would evolve later on in life.
The second half of the decade was more about being grounded to this world and searching for twin flame. This was also the time where survival and creativity became a huge theme. I had a baby to take care of and love and building a family became more important then the fulfillment of my magickal life purpose.
Third decade- (20-30) In the beginning of this decade was about love and spiritual connection. I was very grounded to the earth and trying to be apart of those around me. It was about relationships and career. Early during this time I married. The theme for the rest of the decade was about building a family/career and endurance, which endurance was needed for this relationship. This was the emptiest spiritual time in my life. I literally felt Gods hand lift off of me and never returned until the relationship ended. This was also the time for building stregnth and gaining a clear vision on the relationship I was seeking. By not getting what I desired, I learned what I truly needed in a romantic relationship. Career options were optional and though career was desired, family took priority.
Fourth decade-(30-40) This was the time of change where one chapter in love ended and a new began.It was also a time of hightened spirituality. The beginning of the decade was a time for closure and stregnth as this is when I left my ex-husband. This was a time where I relied solely on gut feelings,instinct and blind faith to take care of myself and my three children. Stregnth and seeking answers was the theme of the beginning of this decade. This was the time where I reinvented my spirituality and began everything new. A couple of years later is when the chapter of love also renewed. The theme for the rest of the years was solely on seeking spirituality, understanding and embracing my spiritual abilities and learning to love again. My life reflected this search as we moved from place to place. As I sought my spiritual path, overcame my spiritual fears and ended the battle with the fears and of the shadows, this was a time for spiritual and emotional growth for both spirit and love. This is when my spiritual abilites, at least the psychic part of my abilities were at it's highest. Towards the end of the decade was once again themed as a time of stregnth and love and my spirituality was once again replaced by duty and responsibility. Unfortunetly, career was not a theme as the doors never seemed to open for an actual career, but jobs were given as a means of survival. This also began another dark time. For love, it was a time of earthly trial that led to a deeper emotional connection in love. This time solidified and stregnthened the love relationship. This was also themed one of relationships with renewed connection to extended family. So, towards the end the theme was once again about love and relationships. Though, spiritually I have felt lost, this is also the time where other abilites were at it's highest, such as healing, astral projection and weather control, which helped me remember the bigger picture and my spiritual place on this planet.
Fifth decade- This decade began with hightened abilities but emotionally unavailable. It has all been about duty and providing for the family. It has been all about protecting the family, stregnth,endurance and duty. The burden that has been layed on my shoulders is heavy as I am also called to fulfill my spiritual duties and not really being able to balance anything. It's been a dark time. The past 7 months has been a theme of waiting,resting and healing. This past month has been themed the ending of things. The end to past earthly things that needed finishing. I call it the "death" stage and this is the first time I have seen it so blatant. I know it is meant for more stregnth and the new beginnings as promised, but this stage has been so dark and it's hard to see beyond that darkness. In a sense it is beginning to be a time of spirituality, but everything seems to be standing still, including spirituality. All doors are closed and does not even seem to be a time for inner growth. It feels to be a time of waiting. Because the old things are closing, I have to assume that the new phase of new beginnings will be starting soon. My fear though, is that time will repeat itself and the last several months will have been in vain. I'm not really sure where this road will lead. But the theme seems to be stillness.
From what I have seen the themes that seem to come up over and over again is stregnth, love/family and spirituality. I'm beginning to realize that career is not a priority on my list, yet connection to spirit, family and instinct is. I work to survive, not to live. I have a desire to support my family and give them so many things, but I work on a deeper level. It's more important for me to be with them then it is to be gone and giving them a bunch of fancy things. Though I keep thinking of a career, the reality is, career doesn't seem to be a part of my life purpose. I always knew I had the potential to be whatever I wanted to be, but working ridiculously long hours and never having time to live, there is nothing in this world monetarily that would want me to sacrifice the precious time I do have with them. It doesn't seem worth the time because the other spiritual things I do to help this planet, is far more important. Sure, I could really use the money, but wealth doesn't seem to a priority in my life theme. However, the finances do fall on me so if going back to school or having some fancy career isn't part of my destiny, then there has to be something in this area that is. Lately I have been writing...alot. There is alot of knoweldge to be shared, yet I have no desire to share everything I do to the world. I know who I am and working behind the scenes also seems to be a part of my genetic make-up. But I used to write alot of childrens stories. I have a story I written many,many years ago that I would love to publish. I also have other ideas of future stories that I would like to write, but this takes time I'm not really sure I have. Work takes up alot of time and the rest of my time is with my family. I'm not really sure why fate threw this curve ball in or how I am expected to do everything I am supposed to do when I have to spend so much time away to make money to survive. Survival for my family has always been top priority and I don't forsee that ever changing. We have to live, after all. Though I am still a bit stuck, I at least know why I didn't go back to school and where the inner conflict of having a good paying career comes from. I do think it may be time to start my book though.
Fast forward to 2017. When I was writing this, I was accurate about it being a time of closure or the "death" phase. In early 2016, it began a new chapter of new beginnings. Due to changes in our financial situation, we were able to buy a home. This also started a new beginning for career, but not mine. This obligation has changed hands and I am now able to focus on more of the spiritual things.
